I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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