The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
