I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
