Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
