Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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