I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
