Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
