to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
