I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You can't motorboat a personality
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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