I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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