I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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