ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
