"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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