i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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