it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
