I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
