I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
