i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
