Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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