She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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