Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
