Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
