Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
