yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
