also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
