Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
