Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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