dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
