i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I FOUND THE LEGS
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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