Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
