Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
