Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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