the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
