Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
