is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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