I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
