You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
