Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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