You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
