i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
