totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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