are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
