is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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