so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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