I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
