i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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