Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
