i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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