Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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