im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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