I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
