This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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