Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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