The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
