a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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